No, not settling down in the sense that you may first think.
I am not getting married.
I am not having kids.
I am not buying a home.
I'm settling down into my body.
Into my breath.
& Into my mind.
Upon reflection of what the last 365-ish days brought me, I realized a lot has happened.
2021 was a year with a massive amount of work. Most of which was internal, dark & humbling.
I discovered my true potential and around March I decided to quit all things that were not bringing me joy or allowing space for my authenticity to shine through. So, I quit my corporate desk job & fully committed to my passion of teaching yoga (again). I've done this once before, but with less focused intentions (which never brings the results we truly want).
With this full commitment to teaching & holding space, I connected with a community that has supported, encouraged & pushed my mission and vision along. I met some of the most astounding and inspirational people this past year. Individuals with collective mindsets that promote the same feelings, ideas & space that I do, that I want surrounding me as much as possible. This year, more than ever in my 7 years as a teacher, I have felt the most authentic in my teachings due to the authenticity I was so determined to create around me. I've found more truth, conviction & purpose in my path than ever before. This is one of the things that has brought me the most joy, happiness and abundance.
It took me some time to shake some of the toxic, habitual patterns & relationships in my life, however. I found myself struggling to walk in my truth while maintaining the connections in my life that were never or were no longer serving me at this point. It's not to say that these relationships and people were all bad, but there comes in time in our lives when we have to assess our surroundings and determine if we are living out of habit versus intention. This work was hard. I love my connections and value my relationships, but I have a tendency to lean toward "projects" or fall into the role of the fixer. I always find the potential in people and want the best for humanity in general. This was a role and a conditioned mindset I had to breakthrough. I was triggered into wanting this change after a series of short-lived and energy draining flings that took up nearly 9 out of the 12 months of last year. I was not looking out for my best interest while I continued to show up for people who were barely showing up for themselves, let alone for me. I was in Tulum when the wave hit. I looked into myself, deeply, and realized how I was holding space for toxicity in my life, willingly. I snapped. My body began to purge the toxic waste - I literally couldn't hold down food or liquids very well during my time in Tulum. Something was stirring inside of me, rising up like flood water and pouring out without mercy. I faced a lot of demons in that space, in that energy. I saw myself clearly. Someone who was afraid to truly face herself because she was afraid of what she might find. Under layers of self-sabotaging, self-deprecating and self-inflicted pain was a soft, vulnerable and ready-to-be-open-hearted soul. I realized that I had the power to create and choose the spaces I go into and the energies I surround myself with. I could choose joy if I wanted! & I started too, avidly. Every opportunity to say NO to something that I knew would not yield the environment I wanted, I took it. I allowed myself time to disconnect from my every day and truly open up. I've always had this hard shell around me, developed by a need to be self-efficient and wildly independent at an early age + the build up of unprocessed/unassessed trauma over the last 27 years of my life. I wanted no more to go through the motions, so I cut the strings and found Truth.
Upon my return to the states in October after my revelatory trip to Mexico (viva Mexico, te amo), I changed. For once in my life, I actually witnessed myself stopping, assessing and then acting differently to get different results. Guess what?
It worked. It's working.
From October through the end of the year, even still as I write this, I am experiencing the most abundance & inspiration in my life. When I let go of the things I thought "should be doing" & stop caring what anyone - friends, family, beyond - thought the greatest thing happened. ALIGNMENT. I say that meaning the entirety of the word. Every single thing I set my mind to - personally and professional - has had space and nourishment to grow, to thrive! I can finally say with confidence that I have officially stepped out of survival mode and into a place of thriving, abundance, reciprocation, growth. All of which wasn't possible without a face-to-face endeavor with darkness, with shadow. This is the work.
My journey and my yoga are not all hippy-dippy, happy, rainbows and butterflies. At least not at first, and definitely not every day. It's a constant battle to show up for myself. It's constant reminders to watch where my mind goes and having the tools to bring myself back. It's a constant ebb and flow between dark & light, sweat & tears, give & take. It's knowing, no TRUSTING, that the Universe has my back, especially if I'm moving with Truth, Consciousness, Gratitude & a Willingness to fall down, get up, and keep growing. It's a never-ending series of leveling up, that I have decided whole-heartedly to dedicate myself too - no matter how tired I get. Darkness is eager to take over, especially in a warm and loving environment. We must stay diligent on this journey. You cannot give up hope. You cannot spread hate and expect love. You cannot hold onto to anger and regret, but instead loosen your grip to find flow.
If you're sick & tired, just stop.
Take a deep, full breath in and a long exhale out - get expressive.
Move into your body, into your heart, and out of your monkey mind. Settle.
Look around and decide - you already know what you need to do, get intuitive.
This is your life, and yours only, so what do you want it to look like, feel like, produce?
Face the darkness and create your light - create your life.
- thoughts after processing.
XO
-S
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