Dearest Efren,
I'm angry. & I'm hurting.
I can't believe it. How could this happen?
So many people were counting on you. Believed in you. Needed you...
How could you be so careless?
I'm angry & I'm hurting.
Grief is a bizarre thing. I'm sure you were no stranger to that...
It disguises itself as many things throughout the day.
It creeps up after a while of thinking that you're ok. It shows up with chains that wrap tightly around your heart and floods you with tears, it takes your breath away. It's a wave of absolute anger followed by a crash of absolute sorrow. It leaves you in a pit of disbelief. It has me texting your phone, "are you really gone?" It has me thinking about the sheer pain your mother must be feeling. After everything she's been through, how could this happen?!
We are all so shocked Ef... we are all in utter disbelief that we will never feel those hugs again, see that smile, hear that laugh, have those talks. The amount of joy and uplift you brought into our lives is palpable now that you're gone. I taste, feel and see you all around me. When I close my eyes I see your smiling face. & then I'm angry all over again.
Angry that I couldn't save you. Angry that I couldn't see past your facade to the pain you might have been struggling with in silence. Angry that the world took you away from us without so much as a sign - an opportunity to say goodbye or pull you back to life...
I'm angry & I'm hurting.
You were an exemplary man. You brought light and life to everything and everyone around you. You were strong, supportive, courageous, charismatic, steadfast, disciplined, fierce, focused, a dreamer and a do-er. You were the perfect balance of sour and sweet, but your sweetness left a coat of sugar all around us. Something for us to remember you by. We are all so lucky to have known you. I am so grateful to have been able to be loved by you and love you in return. I wish my love could have been bigger and stronger for you, something that you could have held on to instead of slipping away..
Efren - we will all move forward and live with great tenacity and love just like you. We will do it for ourselves and do it for you. We will never forget. We will keep your legacy and memory alive by living with more strength and courage like you did everyday. Sending all the love and support to your mother and daughter.
I'm angry & I'm hurting... but I find solace in that you're reunited with your dad, brother and grandpa. I find solace in that whatever pain you felt is subsided. I'm not quite consoled ... we are all still shattered. But we will find peace one day.
I love you with all my heart Efren.
Thank you for coming into my life and leaving such a lasting impression.
Angry & Hurting,
S.
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