self-scary

I've spent the past few weeks in a funk.

You know it. That place in your head that you just can't seem to get out of.

That place in your head that tells the rest of your body that you just can't do it; that you're defeated. It's a place so deep blue that you feel you're drowning.

I have built a majority of my adult life on positivity, "good vibes" and spreading love & light. I've had many days of feeling like a victim of imposter syndrome and not understanding why I can't practice and live what I so adamantly try to teach and spread. I have trouble understanding how I myself can feel, and sometimes actually be, so far away from the teachings that help others (including myself when I'm in it) feel so good. And be left feeling so bad. What is that?

In the midst of funk these last few weeks, I've sat down to assess and face the darkness head on. I've talked to the Divine. I've journaled, drawn, and danced. I gave up vices that I know weigh me down. & I've *continued* to set more boundaries for myself in order to set myself free from burdensome relationships and networks. I've read articles and books. I've meditated and moved. I've cried and laughed alike. I finally came across something that read resonated with me - from one of my favorite books. Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes (A HIGHLY RECOMMENDED READ).

The story of "Bluebeard" that she analyzes and breaks down sheds some light on exactly what I've been experiencing, but wasn't quite able to put my finger on. It's a story of a man, Bluebeard, who lures a young, naïve woman into his trap, an "eloquent man" as the girl sees him, by giving her one day of bliss and geniality. After they marry, the man has to leave the young girl home alone for one day so he can attend to some business. He gives her the keys to the castle. He tells her that she can explore each and every room in the castle as she pleases, except one. The small key opens the door to said room and she is instructed not to use it. As he leaves, the young woman calls to her sisters to come to the castle while he is away. "We can do anything we want, except one thing," she tells them. Naturally, the older sisters are curious and make a game of the day. They explore behind every door, until they are brought face to face with the forbidden door. Once opened, the harshness of the young woman's reality is revealed. Behind the door lays the corpses of every wife before her who betrayed Bluebeard. The key begins to bleed profusely and cannot be stopped no matter what measures the sisters take. The young woman, in fear, hides the key in her wardrobe and forces herself to believe it's all a bad dream that she will wake up from. Once Bluebeard returns and his keys are returned, he notices the one key is missing. He discovers that the young woman has gone into the room when instructed not to and, in a blue and black rage, sentences the young woman to death to join the wives before her. In the end, her brothers come to save her from her untimely death, luckily.

Clarissa analyzes this story by comparing it to the young woman's psyche. How badly do we all seek out paradise? How easily fooled can one be (man or woman) by a moment of bliss? And how tempted are we to explore the darkness when instructed not to? But on the flip side, how could we not be curious about darkness once we've had some light? Clarissa mentions that "ego desires to wonderful but a yen for the paradisical, when combined with naïveté, makes us not fulfilled, but food for the predator" - and that really resonated with me. It helped me see that, despite the wisdom and knowledge I do carry, I am not fully actualized by any means. I still have much to learn, to experience and to internalize before my intuition will be stronger (with still much more to learn, experience, grow from after that point as well!).

I find myself seeking heaven on Earth constantly, but engaging in energies, mental spaces, people and substances that, might bring temporary "heaven", but quite literally negate that mission altogether in the end. & then there I am, left with no serotonin and screaming out WHY when the answers are all around and within me. Over the past few days I've acknowledged my naiveté, my youth, my long road ahead of me to self-actualizing and intuitive growth - as well as the long road behind me that has allowed me to become so aware and create space for these realizations. In other words, I've been put in my place and I'm so glad. Being naïve makes you easy prey, as most of us know, but I never put this into terms of my (sub)conscious versus myself - dark thoughts are predators and a still learning mind/body/soul can easily be prey. The metaphor blew my mind.

I've spent so much of my life trying to be grown up. From the time I was a kid spending a lot of time alone all the way to actual adulthood and having to, now, actually take care of myself I've always had this hard exterior and front. Now, I am all grown up, but I still have so much of the young girl from the Bluebeard story inside of me. And that is totally ok. But I am now in a place to hold myself accountable, to think before I act, to assess before I decide. I am thankful for my life. It has been full of love, laughter, resilience, wisdom, communication, magick, learning and unlearning and learning again .. but I am equally as grateful for all the heavy, toxic, destructive, bullshit I've been through. Through the darkness I've become my own light (some times it's harder than others to be that though). When the days are dark, I remember the light.. and when the world is shiny and bright, I never forget the darkness.

Ultimately, I reconnected with the little girl inside of me who needs some missed nurturing and attention. Self-care isn't always a bubble bath or buying yourself something to "treat yo self"... sometimes real self-care can be scary - like a long, damn hard look in the mirror and digging a little deeper into the darkness so that you can discover more light that you didn't know you had inside of you.

It's not always easy, but that makes it that much more rewarding.

Keep battling your demons - I'm right there with you.

Xx - S